


you never said goodbye

by av_versiera



Series: 'till death do us part (senju tobirama/reader, you) [7]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, reader - Freeform, senju tobirama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26505781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/av_versiera/pseuds/av_versiera
Summary: In which Tobirama never makes it back from his last mission.
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Reader
Series: 'till death do us part (senju tobirama/reader, you) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970128
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	you never said goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> also available on Tumblr: https://animastatic.tumblr.com/post/629473190741213184/you-never-said-goodbye-12-tobirama-senju-x

Tobirama is staring at you intently when you have snapped out of your dream. You couldn’t recall what the dream is all about, forgotten underneath his cool, red gaze. He is not angry or annoyed, or exasperated, but there is an openness in that gaze, like he is just letting his thoughts run through without any retrospection. He always looked so intimidating that sometimes, even as his wife, you forget that his face can morph into something a little more soft than his usual expressions. 

“What’s wrong?” You whisper, a slight frown creasing between your brows. 

Tobirama still keeps looking at you with that expression and you begin to grow concerned. 

Then, in what seems like an attempt to alleviate your worries, he says, “Nothing.”

Dismissive. So typical of him. 

  
  


You sit up to observe him closely. His eyes follow your movements with dedication, one would have thought you were about to run away. Knowing him for a while now, you have learned to prod him a little more to make him say what’s on his mind. 

He still keeps staring. 

  
  


“Can’t be nothing if you’re staring at me like you’ll never see me again,” you comment. 

  
  


That was all it took for Tobirama’s face to change to something close as agony, as if he had been stabbed. Usually, his eyes were always the windows to his emotions, if one learns to look past his set jaw and his tight-lipped expression. Never his face. 

  
  


You stare back at Tobirama, and suddenly, he pulls you down into his arms, not even giving you a chance to snuggle up and adjust. You were about to protest since this is so unlike him. 

Your mind raced to find the words to comfort him, but you were never one to coddle him. He never allowed you anyways. 

You think about the ways you have accommodated him all of these years. Now that he’s Hokage, you stopped taking missions because it interfered with his work. He didn’t want to assign you to any missions that you are capable of doing, and when you did snag a high-level mission, he would pull you right out, sparking fights between you, and him seeming to think he knows better than you. 

You knew he was scared for your life, even if it showed up as him being controlling. 

  
  


His face right now, you realized, is the face he makes when you're about to go to a dangerous mission. 

You close your eyes, hoping to sleep again. Tobirama is too quiet. You just assumed that the two of you would talk more tomorrow when he suddenly spoke up.

"Every mission could be my last," he deadpans. 

"I know," you say. "We have talked about this. A _lot._ " 

You emphasize on a lot, making sure to drive the message.

You hear him sigh. "Are you fine with that?"

  
  


His demeanor, his voice, sets all the alarms ringing in your mind. You look up from where your face is pressed against his chest and you reach up to cup his face. 

"No," you admit to him. What kind of question is this?

"You have to be," he murmurs, insistent.

"I know that. This is the life we chose. I am not naive."

  
  
  


Tobirama falls silent again, and now he is clutching you tightly. It seems like he is doing it subconsciously, seeing how deep in thought he is.

"Okay," he says with finality. 

"That’s it?" 

"Yes," he murmurs curtly. 

  
  


"Tobirama, what is in your mind?" You whisper. 

  
  


You stare at him and he stares back. Somehow you can feel his uneasiness oozing in waves. His temperament is like the ocean, unpredictable, vast, stormy. You rarely see him fret. His presence is always so steady and certain as the sun. Albeit, a cold winter sun. 

“Do not mourn me.” 

  
  


That mere sentence of him simplifies a thousand worries. You can hardly pinpoint which one. 

You sigh, and you turn your body away so that you are facing away from him. You take a few deep breaths, just to reel in the prickling tears in your eyes. 

  
  


“You are so difficult sometimes,” you admit. 

  
  


It is not always so easy to be with Tobirama. At times you feel that the feelings between you are one-sided, and you wonder why in the world would Tobirama marry you if not for duty. He doesn’t offer a lot of reassurances, mostly because he expects that you are solid on your own. You know he cares for you and respects you, but at the end of the day, you are also a woman who desires her husband to give a little more. 

Sometimes, his feelings come out in a nasty way. He comes blunt and condescending, and well, god forbid, controlling. 

At this moment, his words are lacking, enigmatic. He sounds like he is talking about two things in one conversation. 

  
  


“I know.” That is as good as him apologizing. 

He sounds almost gentle, if not for the way his voice sounds rough, he never asks, he tells. He orders.

“Why can’t you just be like other husbands, saying promises that they will be back, that you will see me later?” 

“I am not like other husbands.” He almost sounds mad, but you know he is being truthful.

  
  


You understand that. You know it. He is realistic, pragmatic, to the point that sometimes you wish he indulges in nonsense thoughts, but you also know that he will never make promises that he cannot go through. That is one of the reasons that made you love him even more. 

  
  


You turn to him and you watch his eyes, the only windows to what he is truly feeling. You have become adept at reading him and here, he is the most vulnerable, only to you, inside the privacy of your bedroom, he is saying more than his blunt words, he truly loves you but he will never say it out loud. 

You kiss him, and he stiffens as always. Kisses are sparse between you two and even rarer outside of the bedroom, but he always reciprocates and gives back tenfold.

“Go to sleep. You become silly when you don’t sleep,” you tell him when you pull away. 

///

  
  


You wake up at dawn, and find Tobirama’s eyes on you again, vigilant. 

This time, you don’t even question him. You press your body against him and you lean forward to kiss him on the lips. He does not stiffen this time, and instead, he pushes against you until you are lying flat on your back. You meet his intense red eyes, and you feel yourself shiver from anticipation. 

He places himself in between your legs, and he leans forward, catching your lips passionately. 

This is your favorite Tobirama. 

You take his hands and place them over your breasts, and he gives them a firm squeeze. 

You are desperate to feel him, to have him before he gives it his all to his village, before he goes on this mission. You two are never keen on goodbyes, having the faith that you will make it back home. This is how you tell him goodbye, because you hated the finality of that word. If it was up to him, he would have said goodbye firmly, and that was that. You told him before that you never want to hear it.

He slides in and out of you, making sure to grind against your walls slowly. Your whimpers become moans, and you hear his quiet grunts–he was always so silent when making love. You glimpse his face, and you find him pleased as you moan in pleasure, driving into you relentlessly until you are writhing beneath him and you let go of everything. 

You pant as you come down from your high, then Tobirama throws his sleeping clothes at you. 

“Let’s eat,” he orders, as if he is already on the field. 

  
  


You throw him a smile as you quickly get dressed, and then follow him out of your shared bedroom. 

You finish early to prepare him his food rations and a light lunch, then you head to the bathroom to prepare his bath. Usually, the servants in the house would help out, but Tobirama is picky and loves his privacy. He does not want anyone wandering into your spaces. 

  
  


You wait for him to freshen up by lying on the bed and reading a book. A few moments later, he pads into the bedroom to dress. 

You set down your book to watch him dress. “I polished your armor and repaired the kinks that were bothering you.”

Tobirama pauses, his hands stopping to reach for the armor in midair. “Thank you,” he utters gravely. 

He places his hand on the surface of his armor. 

Back then, he wouldn’t have let you touch a thing of his. Now, it’s become a routine of yours whenever he is about to go on a mission. You reckon it’s probably because he feels bad that he had inevitably forced you out of service.

“I’ll help you put it on,” you say, getting out of your bed, still in his clothes. 

He watches you, and then averts his eyes when you get closer. “Alright,” he quietly says.

After getting him all geared up, the two of you walk the streets of the village, heading to the gates where he and his team planned to rendezvous. You grab his hand, but he flinches and pulls away. 

You scoff. “Tobi, it’s early as hell. No one’s going to see you get mushy with your wife.”  
  


Tobirama sighs and he takes your hand, but he presses closer to you so that it is hidden from view. You roll your eyes, but instead of saying anything else, you decide to bask in the proximity. 

His team arrives right on time, and Tobirama has put a chaste distance between you. You chat with his team for a bit, asking Uchiha Kagami about his new wife, teasing Sarutobi Hiruzen and Shimura Danzo, trading gossip with Koharu. Then, when it is time to say goodbye, you watch them walk away. 

You and Tobirama did not need to trade words. His eyes linger on your face, then he nods his goodbye. You watch him go with pride swelling in your chest. You understand him and his stoic ways, but that is who he is. 

  
  


///

  
  


As the Nidaime Hokage’s wife, you try your best to help out your husband. In his absences due to long missions, you are the one who facilitates meetings, organizes what needs to get approval, write notes and dates on what Tobirama needs to attend to when he returns, and even arrange piles of contracts and drafts of treaties. You would do it in a way he would do it himself, because you knew that he would be on your case if it isn’t to his liking. 

He usually prefers doing everything on his own, but you had vowed to make him a great Hokage, and with every great Hokage there is a wife who is like their backbone in the job. He grudgingly lets you do so, since there is nothing else you can busy yourself with, and although he would not admit it, your support has made a difference and he is coming home earlier and short of total exhaustion.

  
  


You meet with the clan heads’ wives, either in your own home or in their households. This is how you siphon information from each clan to get to your husband without prying. You learn of who is born and who is about to get married, who is about to have a new child, or who is about to go into the Academy. You make mental notes about their slips about their husbands, and lend your advice should they ask it of you. 

You also attend a few events where you are invited. Normally, you and Tobirama should be the ones attending, but he is never one to go to a social event unless it is directly connected to his work, so you’re the one who handles this part of his job. 

You visit a few establishments that are being built, and you meet with the workers and the shinobis. They make a few requests that you will run through with Tobirama later, and wish them luck on their work. 

  
  


In the evenings, you go to Hashirama and Mito’s household, either to eat dinner or to gossip with Mito. You meet with Tobirama’s toddler grand-niece, Tsunade, who runs around the compound like she rules the world. 

You and Mito drink tea and eat the prepared snacks, exchanging quips about your husbands. 

“He told me not to mourn him,” you relay what Tobirama said a few nights ago. “He’s so silly sometimes.”

“He just doesn't want you to be sad,” Mito chuckles. 

“I know,” you say. “But like, can’t he say it in another way? It’s like he’s commanding his troops or something. I’m his wife–not a subordinate. That’s why I stopped running missions.”

Mito laughs and she tells you about Hashirama’s gambling and how Tsunade is picking up on his bad habits. You look at her untouched snack and you realize how hungry you are. You ask for her food, even though you normally would not eat other people’s plates. You have been hungry a lot for the past several weeks. 

  
  


The next day, you are in his office and you stare at the empty desk where the Hokage should be the one occupying. Tobirama’s desk is quickly piling up with documents, and some of it is delegated to the floor. 

When you come home, the smell of cooking meat in the streets makes you nauseous, and when you pause to stare longingly at Tobirama’s face on the mountain, you throw up in the nearest trash can, much to your chagrin. You are exhausted like you have been running for miles, but you push through it. You couldn’t keep anything down and whatever food comes your way makes you want to throw up, so you opt for a bland porridge. 

  
  


///

  
  
  


You snap awake from your sleep, feeling something in your own body break in half. You are not sure what it is, but it does not let you go back to sleep. You end up pacing around in the house like a ghost, and you had started shaking from the feeling. 

Something is wrong. You are absolutely sure and the feeling frightens you. 

You did not want to wake up a servant so you make yourself tea to calm yourself down, but you give up as you almost scalded yourself from inattentiveness. 

You hate being like this. 

  
  


The nervous energy in your body makes you throw up, and when dawn arrives, you are wary. You try to keep down the food that the servants had given you to munch on, but there is only so much you can tolerate. 

A few hours later, Sarutobi Hiruzen arrives, alone and rugged, like he hasn’t slept for days and has just come home. 

One look on his face, and you knew what he would say before he even gave voice to it. 

  
  


You fall to your knees, and Hiruzen comes forward to catch you. 

  
  


“Where is his body?” You whisper hoarsely. 

Hiruzen presses his lips together, his eyes dark. “My lady, I don’t think you should see his body at the moment.”

“Please. He’s my husband,” you croak out. Tears prickle your eyes, and your vision becomes blurred. 

You try not to break down crying

“H-how did he die?”

Hiruzen looks stricken. “He...sacrificed himself, made himself a decoy. He fought well.”

“That...self-sacrificing bastard,” you murmur. You knew something like this would happen, that he will put his life on the line for the village and its people, and it is something you love him for, but it still hurts. 

“I am sorry, my lady.”

“You’re his successor, yes?” You’ve had these talks for a while, that should this even happen, he is planning to make Hiruzen the Sandaime.

Hiruzen clears his throat, not expecting this question. “Yes.”

_Do not mourn me_. 

“What of the rest of his team?”

“We are alive, thanks to him. We were surrounded by enemy shinobi from Kumo.”

You try to smile but it comes out as a grimace. Such is a life for a shinobi. To die in the battlefield is an honor. 

“My lady,” Hiruzen starts, hesitantly. 

“Yes?”

“He told me to tell you that he is both thankful and sorry.” 

You smile ruefully, despite the grief overtaking your heart. 

_Do not mourn me_ , Tobirama had said, but when you were flitting between consciousness and the land of your dreams, he had whispered the most important words that he couldn’t say to you. 

You had already known.

  
  


END.


End file.
